Ho Ho Ho! The Funniest Christmas Quotes to Share
The holidays are magical, but let’s be honest—they can also be stressful, chaotic, and maybe even a little awkward. That’s why we all need a good dose of holiday humor! From the endless mall trips and questionable Secret Santa gifts to the relentless stream of Christmas carols, there’s plenty of material for a hearty laugh.
Whether you’re crafting the perfect witty message for a holiday card, looking for a funny caption to spice up your Instagram post, or just need a chuckle to survive the family gathering, this is your ultimate collection. We’ve gathered the most hilarious and short funny Christmas quotes from comedians, writers, and anonymous wits to make your season merry and bright!
We’ve organized this mega-list of funny quotes into specific categories to make finding the perfect laugh easier than ever.
Witty & Hilarious Christmas Quotes
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer,
and receipts for all major purchases.
~ Bridger Winegar
Santa Claus has the right idea:
visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge
Christmas is a baby shower
that went totally overboard.
~ Andy Borowitz
That’s the true spirit of Christmas:
people being helped by people other than me.
~ Jerry Seinfeld
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas
with a note on it saying, toys not included.
~ Bernard Manning
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season,
a deeply religious time that each of us observes,
in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
~ Dave Barry
There are some people who want to
throw their arms round you
simply because it is Christmas;
there are other people who want to
strangle you simply
because it is Christmas.
~ Robert Staughton Lynd
Short & Funny Christmas Quotes for Captions and Texts
Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.
~ Gary Allan
The main reason Santa is so jolly is
because he knows where all the bad girls live.
~ George Carlin
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory,
like a thunderstorm and we all go through it together.
~ Garrison Keillor
Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling
that only comes with an empty bank account.
~ Melanie White
Mail your packages early so the post office
can lose them in time for Christmas.
~ Johnny Carson
What I don’t like about office Christmas
parties is looking for a job the next day.
~ Phyllis Diller
Funny Christmas Quotes About Santa, Elves & Presents
I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store,
and he asked for my autograph.
~ Shirley Temple
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.
In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
~ Larry Wilde
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful,
expensive presents I can’t wait to exchange.
~ Henny Youngman
Hilarious Quotes on Christmas Food & Family Gatherings
I’m only a morning person on December 25th.
I wish we could put some of the Christmas spirit
in jars and open a jar of it every month.
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings
on Christmas morning is their husband.
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste
and intelligence at Christmas time.
Mistletoe is an excuse for the unremarkable
to be kissed by the unattractive.
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